World May be Running Out of Names

We may soon be experiencing a worldwide name shortage, according to French name manufacturer NomCorp. "The world population is simply increasing faster than we can produce names," said NomCorp president, Jaques de Gaulle, "and it won't be long before hundreds of thousands of people all over the world are left nameless."

Namologists have yet to determine exactly when the name shortage will begin to effect us, but current estimates put the date at somewhere around October, 2010. American namologist, Frank Coville thinks it may happen even sooner than that. "The current estimates only take into consideration the birthrate as it is now. The rate of population increase is rising, and it's only logical to assume that the name crisis will begin sooner than originally believed." He added, "It could even happen before the new year."

The global economic crisis isn't helping matters. With many name factories closing their doors, the name supply itself is shrinking almost as fast as the global population is rising. A prime example of the economy's effect on the name supply comes from Germany's only name manufacturer Nameno. When Nameno lowered its safety standards due to budget cutbacks earlier this year, a ruptured nametank caused a massive explosion which left over 200 employees with the name of Dorothy, and forced Nameno out of business as well. "It's just terrible," said former Nameno employee Dorothy Kraus, "if I want to get my [former] name back, I now have to order it all the way from France, the UK, or Belarus." Left jobless after the Nameno explosion, however, Dorothy (formerly Karl) can't afford to order a new name. Former Nameno owner Dorothy Steiner refused to comment.

The name shortage may even reach tribal civilizations in South Africa. "They like to use a lot of clicks and other sound effects in their names," said Frank Coville. But with fewer and fewer Africans working in the click-mines, the click supply is running out and the name supply is steadily dropping along with it. "They're realizing how dangerous click-mining is, and they're simply refusing to work in the mines," Coville said. Several Namibian rivers have already had their names stolen by bandits hoping to sell them when the name crisis hits.

Helping the future nameless is already on the minds of many people across the globe. University students in Toronto, Canada have been trying to start a name donation drive for the last several months. Said one student, "We've been trying to set up this name charity to help supply names to people once [the name crisis] happens, but it's been slow going because we can't find a name for our charity."

Namologists are uncertain of what will happen when the name crisis finally does hit. "At this point, we still have much research to do," Coville said, "and right now, your guess is as good as mine."