The Stingropalypse Is Upon Us.

For over two years now, the same thing has been on everyone's mind (and by everyone, I mean me): how the hell was a guy who wrestled the most dangerous beasts in the world felled by a single stingray? The answer, ladies and gentlemen, is quite simple. Stingrays are trying to take over the world. The purpose of this article is not, as it may seem, to merely entertain. The purpose of this article is to educate, to raise awareness of the impending stingray invasion so that we may stand a fighting chance when the time for the final battle arrives.

The Invasion Begins
The real attack began with the slaying of Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter. How the slimy bastards managed to commit such deicide is a mystery, but the fact remains that our best hope of surviving the invasion is dead. None of us were smart enough to take the death of our Crocodile Hunter as a warning. The media reported it as a mere "freak accident", and many claimed that "it was bound to happen eventually. The dude like, kicked elephants in the balls for a living. What did you expect would happen?" The fact of the matter is that the Australian goverment was completely aware of the impending stingray invasion. Why do you suppose the video of Steve Irwin's death was never released? It is because the events did not happen as they were described. Steve Irwin was not merely stabbed in the heart. King Sting, king of the stingrays impaled him, held his lifeless corpse to the camera, and promised the annihilation of the human race, before ripping out the Crocodile Hunter's heart and devouring it. This declaration of war was never released in order to keep relative peace on the planet until our world leaders can come up with a way to defeat the stingrays. They're taking too long. It is time that we humans stood up to our aquatic attackers. The sting rays will not stop killing until we have killed them.

The Attacks Continue
The number of stingray attacks in the United States alone each year is reportedly between 1500 to 5000. The huge gap between those two numbers shows the kind of confusion the stingrays are causing. They are killing so many people that we can't even keep count. Ever since the brutal murder of our Crocodile Hunter, the attacks have been becoming more and more brutal. Six weeks after our savior was killed, a stingray jumped into a fishing boat in Florida, and stabbed 81-year-old James Bertakis in the chest. This second newsworthy attack cannot simply be dismissed as a freak accident. The stingray jumped onto his boat and attacked him. The man did nothing wrong, and the stingray actively saught him out. If it seems like we're doomed now, just wait until they learn to fly. I promise you, they are working on it.

Even more recently, on March 20th, 2008, again in Florida, a Michigan woman was killed when a Stingray jumped out of her boat and struck her face. Said one stingray attack expert, "Judging by the attack patterns, I'd say that the stingray's base of operations is in Florida." He added, "Good thing only old people live there."

Psychological Warfare
On August 8th, 2007, in the sea near the Dutch resort of Zandvoort, resort staff as well as guests found something strange bobbing up and down in the water. It had a yellow head, and a blue torso. It was a giant lego-man, 2.5 metres tall.

Experts on stingray attack strategy have no idea what to make of this disturbing discovery. Clearly, the giant toy was built and sent to us by the stingrays, but said experts still have no idea why. Theories range from a possible peace offering created to lull the human race into a false sense of security, to a rendering of Steve Irwin created to mock us. Experts say that it is hard to tell, because while stingrays are natural born assassins, they "really really suck at art. Seriously."


This is an artist's rendering of what the Stingray invasion might look like. Those children don't stand a chance.

We've Been Under Attack For Decades
In the midst of the new deaths that occur by stingray attacks each and every day, stingray attack experts have made a shocking discovery. The human race has been under attack for a long, long time. The stingrays have invented a machine that increases the rate of global warming throughout the world. As the world warms, water levels will rise, allowing the stingrays to creep ever closer towards us, and closer to their goal of human extinction. Experts claim that "it is the most logical explaination for the increasing rate of global warming," also adding, "we're doomed. We're completely fucking doomed." And it does, in fact, look grim for us as humans. Experts have used sophisticated technology, fuelled with years of data, to predict our odds of survival without Steve Irwin. "It's like, less than 3% I don't remember the exact number, I was too busy shitting my pants, but basically, we're fucked."

Time To Stand Up
For years, world superpowers have been trying to cover up the invasion. We have been at war with deep-sea demons for decades, without even knowing it. Our world leaders have been trying to combat the stingrays on their own without drawing the public's attention, and in the words of one stingray attack expert, "they're doing a piss-poor fucking job of it." It is time for us as humans to stand up and fight back. As it stands, the future looks grim; the only man who could have guaranteed our victory has already fallen at their fins. Our only hope now is to do what our world leaders are trying to prevent: The world needs to know about the invasion. It is our only chance. Spread the word of the stingray invasion; tell everyone you know. If the entire human race could come together and strike back, we might have a chance. It's a small chance, but it's the only one we've got. I beg you all, for the sake of humanity, please put aside your differences and fight for a bigger cause. Together, we may just be able to save our world.