We may soon be experiencing a worldwide name shortage, according to French name manufacturer NomCorp. "The world population is simply increasing faster than we can produce names," said NomCorp president, Jaques de Gaulle, "and it won't be long before hundreds of thousands of people all over the world are left nameless."
Namologists have yet to determine exactly when the name shortage will begin to effect us, but current estimates put the date at somewhere around October, 2010. American namologist, Frank Coville thinks it may happen even sooner than that. "The current estimates only take into consideration the birthrate as it is now. The rate of population increase is rising, and it's only logical to assume that the name crisis will begin sooner than originally believed." He added, "It could even happen before the new year."
The global economic crisis isn't helping matters. With many name factories closing their doors, the name supply itself is shrinking almost as fast as the global population is rising. A prime example of the economy's effect on the name supply comes from Germany's only name manufacturer Nameno. When Nameno lowered its safety standards due to budget cutbacks earlier this year, a ruptured nametank caused a massive explosion which left over 200 employees with the name of Dorothy, and forced Nameno out of business as well. "It's just terrible," said former Nameno employee Dorothy Kraus, "if I want to get my [former] name back, I now have to order it all the way from France, the UK, or Belarus." Left jobless after the Nameno explosion, however, Dorothy (formerly Karl) can't afford to order a new name. Former Nameno owner Dorothy Steiner refused to comment.
The name shortage may even reach tribal civilizations in South Africa. "They like to use a lot of clicks and other sound effects in their names," said Frank Coville. But with fewer and fewer Africans working in the click-mines, the click supply is running out and the name supply is steadily dropping along with it. "They're realizing how dangerous click-mining is, and they're simply refusing to work in the mines," Coville said. Several Namibian rivers have already had their names stolen by bandits hoping to sell them when the name crisis hits.
Helping the future nameless is already on the minds of many people across the globe. University students in Toronto, Canada have been trying to start a name donation drive for the last several months. Said one student, "We've been trying to set up this name charity to help supply names to people once [the name crisis] happens, but it's been slow going because we can't find a name for our charity."
Namologists are uncertain of what will happen when the name crisis finally does hit. "At this point, we still have much research to do," Coville said, "and right now, your guess is as good as mine."
Friday, July 24, 2009
Sunday, June 22, 2008
The Stingropalypse Is Upon Us.
For over two years now, the same thing has been on everyone's mind (and by everyone, I mean me): how the hell was a guy who wrestled the most dangerous beasts in the world felled by a single stingray? The answer, ladies and gentlemen, is quite simple. Stingrays are trying to take over the world. The purpose of this article is not, as it may seem, to merely entertain. The purpose of this article is to educate, to raise awareness of the impending stingray invasion so that we may stand a fighting chance when the time for the final battle arrives.
The Invasion Begins
The real attack began with the slaying of Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter. How the slimy bastards managed to commit such deicide is a mystery, but the fact remains that our best hope of surviving the invasion is dead. None of us were smart enough to take the death of our Crocodile Hunter as a warning. The media reported it as a mere "freak accident", and many claimed that "it was bound to happen eventually. The dude like, kicked elephants in the balls for a living. What did you expect would happen?" The fact of the matter is that the Australian goverment was completely aware of the impending stingray invasion. Why do you suppose the video of Steve Irwin's death was never released? It is because the events did not happen as they were described. Steve Irwin was not merely stabbed in the heart. King Sting, king of the stingrays impaled him, held his lifeless corpse to the camera, and promised the annihilation of the human race, before ripping out the Crocodile Hunter's heart and devouring it. This declaration of war was never released in order to keep relative peace on the planet until our world leaders can come up with a way to defeat the stingrays. They're taking too long. It is time that we humans stood up to our aquatic attackers. The sting rays will not stop killing until we have killed them.
The Attacks Continue
The number of stingray attacks in the United States alone each year is reportedly between 1500 to 5000. The huge gap between those two numbers shows the kind of confusion the stingrays are causing. They are killing so many people that we can't even keep count. Ever since the brutal murder of our Crocodile Hunter, the attacks have been becoming more and more brutal. Six weeks after our savior was killed, a stingray jumped into a fishing boat in Florida, and stabbed 81-year-old James Bertakis in the chest. This second newsworthy attack cannot simply be dismissed as a freak accident. The stingray jumped onto his boat and attacked him. The man did nothing wrong, and the stingray actively saught him out. If it seems like we're doomed now, just wait until they learn to fly. I promise you, they are working on it.
Even more recently, on March 20th, 2008, again in Florida, a Michigan woman was killed when a Stingray jumped out of her boat and struck her face. Said one stingray attack expert, "Judging by the attack patterns, I'd say that the stingray's base of operations is in Florida." He added, "Good thing only old people live there."
Psychological Warfare
On August 8th, 2007, in the sea near the Dutch resort of Zandvoort, resort staff as well as guests found something strange bobbing up and down in the water. It had a yellow head, and a blue torso. It was a giant lego-man, 2.5 metres tall.
Experts on stingray attack strategy have no idea what to make of this disturbing discovery. Clearly, the giant toy was built and sent to us by the stingrays, but said experts still have no idea why. Theories range from a possible peace offering created to lull the human race into a false sense of security, to a rendering of Steve Irwin created to mock us. Experts say that it is hard to tell, because while stingrays are natural born assassins, they "really really suck at art. Seriously."
This is an artist's rendering of what the Stingray invasion might look like. Those children don't stand a chance.
We've Been Under Attack For Decades
In the midst of the new deaths that occur by stingray attacks each and every day, stingray attack experts have made a shocking discovery. The human race has been under attack for a long, long time. The stingrays have invented a machine that increases the rate of global warming throughout the world. As the world warms, water levels will rise, allowing the stingrays to creep ever closer towards us, and closer to their goal of human extinction. Experts claim that "it is the most logical explaination for the increasing rate of global warming," also adding, "we're doomed. We're completely fucking doomed." And it does, in fact, look grim for us as humans. Experts have used sophisticated technology, fuelled with years of data, to predict our odds of survival without Steve Irwin. "It's like, less than 3% I don't remember the exact number, I was too busy shitting my pants, but basically, we're fucked."
Time To Stand Up
For years, world superpowers have been trying to cover up the invasion. We have been at war with deep-sea demons for decades, without even knowing it. Our world leaders have been trying to combat the stingrays on their own without drawing the public's attention, and in the words of one stingray attack expert, "they're doing a piss-poor fucking job of it." It is time for us as humans to stand up and fight back. As it stands, the future looks grim; the only man who could have guaranteed our victory has already fallen at their fins. Our only hope now is to do what our world leaders are trying to prevent: The world needs to know about the invasion. It is our only chance. Spread the word of the stingray invasion; tell everyone you know. If the entire human race could come together and strike back, we might have a chance. It's a small chance, but it's the only one we've got. I beg you all, for the sake of humanity, please put aside your differences and fight for a bigger cause. Together, we may just be able to save our world.
The Invasion Begins
The real attack began with the slaying of Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter. How the slimy bastards managed to commit such deicide is a mystery, but the fact remains that our best hope of surviving the invasion is dead. None of us were smart enough to take the death of our Crocodile Hunter as a warning. The media reported it as a mere "freak accident", and many claimed that "it was bound to happen eventually. The dude like, kicked elephants in the balls for a living. What did you expect would happen?" The fact of the matter is that the Australian goverment was completely aware of the impending stingray invasion. Why do you suppose the video of Steve Irwin's death was never released? It is because the events did not happen as they were described. Steve Irwin was not merely stabbed in the heart. King Sting, king of the stingrays impaled him, held his lifeless corpse to the camera, and promised the annihilation of the human race, before ripping out the Crocodile Hunter's heart and devouring it. This declaration of war was never released in order to keep relative peace on the planet until our world leaders can come up with a way to defeat the stingrays. They're taking too long. It is time that we humans stood up to our aquatic attackers. The sting rays will not stop killing until we have killed them.
The Attacks Continue
The number of stingray attacks in the United States alone each year is reportedly between 1500 to 5000. The huge gap between those two numbers shows the kind of confusion the stingrays are causing. They are killing so many people that we can't even keep count. Ever since the brutal murder of our Crocodile Hunter, the attacks have been becoming more and more brutal. Six weeks after our savior was killed, a stingray jumped into a fishing boat in Florida, and stabbed 81-year-old James Bertakis in the chest. This second newsworthy attack cannot simply be dismissed as a freak accident. The stingray jumped onto his boat and attacked him. The man did nothing wrong, and the stingray actively saught him out. If it seems like we're doomed now, just wait until they learn to fly. I promise you, they are working on it.
Even more recently, on March 20th, 2008, again in Florida, a Michigan woman was killed when a Stingray jumped out of her boat and struck her face. Said one stingray attack expert, "Judging by the attack patterns, I'd say that the stingray's base of operations is in Florida." He added, "Good thing only old people live there."
Psychological Warfare
On August 8th, 2007, in the sea near the Dutch resort of Zandvoort, resort staff as well as guests found something strange bobbing up and down in the water. It had a yellow head, and a blue torso. It was a giant lego-man, 2.5 metres tall.
Experts on stingray attack strategy have no idea what to make of this disturbing discovery. Clearly, the giant toy was built and sent to us by the stingrays, but said experts still have no idea why. Theories range from a possible peace offering created to lull the human race into a false sense of security, to a rendering of Steve Irwin created to mock us. Experts say that it is hard to tell, because while stingrays are natural born assassins, they "really really suck at art. Seriously."
This is an artist's rendering of what the Stingray invasion might look like. Those children don't stand a chance.
We've Been Under Attack For Decades
In the midst of the new deaths that occur by stingray attacks each and every day, stingray attack experts have made a shocking discovery. The human race has been under attack for a long, long time. The stingrays have invented a machine that increases the rate of global warming throughout the world. As the world warms, water levels will rise, allowing the stingrays to creep ever closer towards us, and closer to their goal of human extinction. Experts claim that "it is the most logical explaination for the increasing rate of global warming," also adding, "we're doomed. We're completely fucking doomed." And it does, in fact, look grim for us as humans. Experts have used sophisticated technology, fuelled with years of data, to predict our odds of survival without Steve Irwin. "It's like, less than 3% I don't remember the exact number, I was too busy shitting my pants, but basically, we're fucked."
Time To Stand Up
For years, world superpowers have been trying to cover up the invasion. We have been at war with deep-sea demons for decades, without even knowing it. Our world leaders have been trying to combat the stingrays on their own without drawing the public's attention, and in the words of one stingray attack expert, "they're doing a piss-poor fucking job of it." It is time for us as humans to stand up and fight back. As it stands, the future looks grim; the only man who could have guaranteed our victory has already fallen at their fins. Our only hope now is to do what our world leaders are trying to prevent: The world needs to know about the invasion. It is our only chance. Spread the word of the stingray invasion; tell everyone you know. If the entire human race could come together and strike back, we might have a chance. It's a small chance, but it's the only one we've got. I beg you all, for the sake of humanity, please put aside your differences and fight for a bigger cause. Together, we may just be able to save our world.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Stop the Senseless Murder of Vegetables
We humans are the dominant species on this planet. As such, I believe it's time we stood up for the smaller, defenseless organisms. Namely, the plants. Humans have stood by long enough as innocent vegetables are unwittingly plucked from their homes in the ground, brutally skinned, and thrown in a pot of boiling water. What about the poor fruits? Barbarically torn from the branches of their trees, taken away from their families and eaten whole, flesh and all.
And just why does this senseless killing continue? So a vegetarian can enjoy a meal. Humans have stood by long enough, watching vegetarians slaughter poor defenseless fruits and vegetables. It's time to end this vicious cycle. We humans can do something about it. All you have to do is join PAEIP: People Against the Eating of Innocent Plants.
You may be saying to yourself, "But I'm only one man/woman! What can I do to help your noble cause?" The solution is simple. Instead of an apple, eat a vegetarian. Not only will you be saving the life of an innocent plant, but you will be limiting the number of vegetarians and helping stop the senseless murder of fruits and vegetables. For every vegetarian you eat you save hundreds of innocent fruits and vegetables that would have been eaten through the course of the vegetarian's life. I believe this is the niche nature intended humans to take. It is our job to lower the number of vegetarians and allow for the vegetable and fruit species to replenish.
Why should poor plants be sacrificed so tragically, just so these vegetarians can eat, especially when they could just slaughter a cow like the rest of us? It's just not fair. Fruits and vegetables are completely incapable of defending themselves. They literally couldn't hurt a fly if they wanted to, yet vegetarians choose to eat these poor creatures as opposed to cows which have killed humans before, and will kill humans again. How many people have been killed by a cute little kiwi?
Deer are the most dangerous animal in the United States, running out into the road like idiots, causing car wrecks and killing or injuring us humans. By not helping limit the numbers of deer by eating them, vegetarians are essentially killing humans. When was the last time a poor little carrot killed someone? When was the last time a ripe, innocent apple caused a car wreck? Never.
The next time you're hungry for a salad, remember the innocent lettuce. Remember the poor tomatoes. And remember the vegetarians that are causing the deterioration of both the plant and human species. Do yourself and the world a favor: eat a vegetarian today.
And just why does this senseless killing continue? So a vegetarian can enjoy a meal. Humans have stood by long enough, watching vegetarians slaughter poor defenseless fruits and vegetables. It's time to end this vicious cycle. We humans can do something about it. All you have to do is join PAEIP: People Against the Eating of Innocent Plants.
You may be saying to yourself, "But I'm only one man/woman! What can I do to help your noble cause?" The solution is simple. Instead of an apple, eat a vegetarian. Not only will you be saving the life of an innocent plant, but you will be limiting the number of vegetarians and helping stop the senseless murder of fruits and vegetables. For every vegetarian you eat you save hundreds of innocent fruits and vegetables that would have been eaten through the course of the vegetarian's life. I believe this is the niche nature intended humans to take. It is our job to lower the number of vegetarians and allow for the vegetable and fruit species to replenish.
Why should poor plants be sacrificed so tragically, just so these vegetarians can eat, especially when they could just slaughter a cow like the rest of us? It's just not fair. Fruits and vegetables are completely incapable of defending themselves. They literally couldn't hurt a fly if they wanted to, yet vegetarians choose to eat these poor creatures as opposed to cows which have killed humans before, and will kill humans again. How many people have been killed by a cute little kiwi?
Deer are the most dangerous animal in the United States, running out into the road like idiots, causing car wrecks and killing or injuring us humans. By not helping limit the numbers of deer by eating them, vegetarians are essentially killing humans. When was the last time a poor little carrot killed someone? When was the last time a ripe, innocent apple caused a car wreck? Never.
The next time you're hungry for a salad, remember the innocent lettuce. Remember the poor tomatoes. And remember the vegetarians that are causing the deterioration of both the plant and human species. Do yourself and the world a favor: eat a vegetarian today.
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